The Downward SpiralShe pulled a fast 180 degree turn and SYMPATHISED with me. As soon as I broke under her questions she decided to play the role of comforter and I can never tell you how angry it made me. How hypocritical she sounded. She told me I needed to be referred to a psychologist, that I needed a few sessions, to UNLOAD my fucking burdens onto someone who could vouch that my problem is interfering with how I go about my life. I need clarification that I am mentally insecure about my own frickin' body?
So yes, after the embarrassing display that was me weeping pitifully in front of this woman, we left after she told us she had sent another referral to the hospital for a psychologist to assess me, and it is just short of two weeks since then, and not a word. I don't know what to expect. I can't talk to the people I know, how am I supposed to tell a complete stranger what I can't do because I don't want people to know about what's wrong with me. What if he or she jumps to the same horrifying conclusion as this GP? I don't know what to do...
I thought work was getting better for a bit, but it's also doing an about turn fairly abruptly. I was left by myself today for a good twenty minutes or so and inbetween customer's I found myself thinking about all this shit that's going wrong with me. I didn't even realise when I broke my own nail I was gripping the till edge so tightly. And nobody says things to my face anymore, always tattle-tailing behind my back and whispering between themselves while I'm left out on the end wing like a spare part. I don't even try to join in the conversations anymore, it's not worth the effort. If someone talks to me of their own free will then I give them my undivided attention, but if they talk to me because they're all on their own and there's no other alternative...? It makes my blood boil...
I'd rather be fucking ignored.
I was supposed to be going to London on Thursday with my mother. She assured me this morning that she hadn't changed her mind. It got me through the day. A day out shopping somewhere away from this hellhole is just what I needed. However, I get home eventually after the bus is twenty minutes late, freezing cold to find that my dad's talked her out of it and she's taking Nicky and his girlfriend to Tesco instead. I feel so disappointed but I half know it's my own fault for hyping myself up and letting myself get excited. I really shouldn't. I should know what to expect by now. Nothing ever works for me.
And so it's back to square one. Where I have nothing left to look forward to except 5 days a week in that pit. I'm almost done trying.
Is there really any point?
Miserable
--
A man of words and not of deeds is like a garden full of weeds.
It's Niki, by the way
--
Listen to CKY...
"Flat line, no sign, Insisting wrist, How much worse can the world that we live in be?"
Thank you very much for the
--
Beyond the dreams...
D'you remember a while ago we were talking about another holiday? Is that still goin' on?
I's be fancyin' it, yo
xP
xxx
--
«†» Leeeenerrrr «†»
'The Weirdo who is Out and About'
--
Game Over.
Moving from empty cups and dolls
I don't like this game anymore
Not that I ever did, under pretense of a willing hand
The bracelet is broken.
I am free to go.
--
The Decepticon warriors were a wide and varied bunch, and most of them were a few diodes short of a logic circuit. Starscream just put the 'fun' in 'fundamental genocide'.
--
Game Over.
Moving from empty cups and dolls
I don't like this game anymore
Not that I ever did, under pretense of a willing hand
The bracelet is broken.
I am free to go.
--
The Decepticon warriors were a wide and varied bunch, and most of them were a few diodes short of a logic circuit. Starscream just put the 'fun' in 'fundamental genocide'.
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